


A Past Hurt Makes an Effective Teacher

by KitBlack



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Barba has a secret, Barba is trying his best, Emotional self-harm, Everything is Beautiful and Everything Hurts, F/F, F/M, Hurt and ALL THE COMFORT, Hurt!Rafael, Lesbian OFCs are the best OFCs, M/M, Mentions of self-harm, Other, Past Rape/Non-con, Rafael finally gets the counseling he needs, Rape Recovery, References to Depression, Sonny wants Barba, Suicidal Thoughts, The SVU family fucked up, and is accidentally hurting Rafael, and it gets exposed, but is being an idiot about it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-05-09 06:34:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14710938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KitBlack/pseuds/KitBlack
Summary: After the Terrance Reynolds case, everyone is angry at Barba and is making it known, but when Barba comes to convince a victim to testify, they learn that they don't really know Barba.After secretly listening in on the conversation the squad learns some information they were never meant to know and no one know what to do, least of all Sonny.Sonny is unsure of what to do, he’s had a crush on Barba for a while and was about to come clean and he knows, he knows, that what happened to Rafael shouldn’t stop him from saying anything, but he’s terrified of hurting Barba who still seems very affected by his past. Little does he know, he's causing Barba more hurt on top of an already too heavy load.





	1. Why Does Family Hurt?

**Author's Note:**

> IMPORTANT: This ignores a lot of canon. This is set after the Terrance Reynolds case, but Munch and Amaro are still on the team and will stay that way. 
> 
> No one talks to Barba after the case and are acting distant for various reasons, but they are, unwittingly, adding to and basically making it seem like they are ignoring and/or condoning the harassment and abuse that other officers and detectives are giving to Barba.
> 
> There are parts where Barba is considering or is actively hurting himself, whether physically or emotionally, you have been warned.

Barba sighed, he was exhausted and frustrated and _hurting_. He knew that the detectives and officers in the Manhattan SVU precinct (even officers in other precincts) didn’t really like him, didn’t like his methods for getting a conviction. The harshness that he had, even to victims; sure, they liked his numbers, that he had the highest conviction rate out of all the ADA’s they’d ever had. But him, no. After the Terrance Reynolds case, that dislike had grown into outright disrespect and unprofessional actions, to the point where it almost jeopardized an important case and he recused himself so that the case would be saved. Even Olivia and Carisi had been a little distant, with Olivia frequently canceling plans and Carisi avoiding his office and on a few occasions ducking into a different room whenever Barba could bear to go to the precinct. Even Fin and Munch in all of their neutrality turned a blind eye when he was harassed by officers, which sometimes even included Amaro and Rollins. But he could handle it, he’d lived through worse and thrived from it, just because his family, or at least what considered his family, turned their backs doesn’t mean that he should do something he might eventually regret. His blood family had done the same, so why should it hurt more now, when they weren’t even his to begin with?

Sometimes he wished that he could go back and - well he didn’t know. He would still prosecute the three officers who had killed the unarmed man, he’d still fight for the victims, whether they were the victims of people on the streets or victims of the people responsible for upholding the law. Maybe he’d go back and not get attached to the team, maybe he’d take a different job in another city, maybe he’d go back and drop out of Harvard, maybe he’d make sure that he’d never come to touch any of the lives he’d sullied with his presence, maybe instead of going back in time he’d stay in the present and go through with his plan to do what he has to, until he’d cleaned up his messes and then made sure he’d never wake up another morning to make more. It’s not like he’s doing any good for those around him.

A soft knock on his door alerted him to his surroundings and the fact that he’d been staring at a case file for – he looked at his clock – _four hours?!_ Another, louder, knock turned his attention back and he called out a soft “Come in?”

Carmen poked her head in (and even she avoided his gaze). “Sir, Sgt. Benson just called and said she’s been trying to get a hold of you for a couple of hours now, she asked if you were in.”

Barba tensed, it was never good when _Oliv_ \- Sgt. Benson called this late in the day. “My phone has been off all day, I’ve been going over my current files and didn’t want to be interrupted. Do you know what the Sargent wants?” 

“She called regarding the Singer case, the victim is saying that she doesn’t want to testify, and Benson has asked if you’ll come down and talk to her, since she won’t listen to the detectives.”

Rafael felt the headache from lunch, which had almost gone away, come rushing back. The singer case was tough one for him, and now it seemed it was going to hit even closer to home than it had already. 

The Singer case had come across Benson's desk three weeks ago and had been slow going even since. The victim, Nancy Singer, was a small town girl from Pennsylvania who had come to study at Juilliard and was currently in her second year. Nancy had been found wandering around Manhattan, drugged and intoxicated, the victim of physical and sexual violence. The 19-year-old had been at an off-campus school event in upper Manhattan, perfectly sober, when she was offered a ride back to campus by one of her instructors, a Dr. Richard Stone, who she trusted without question. Instead of taking her back to campus, he backed up into an alley in lower Manhattan and pulled her out of the car and assaulted her, after which he beat her and forced her to consume pills and alcohol in an attempt to confuse her memory of the assault. He then threatened her, telling her that if she ever told anyone, he’d make sure that she would never dance in any big production. When she refused to get back in the car with him, he left her to find her own way back, where she stumbled around the streets until she was found by a pair of beat cops who saw the evidence of the assault and called it in. Even after the threat, Nancy had not hidden the truth about the attack, but instead of being an open and shut case, the Dr. Stone claimed that Nancy was lying in order to cover up the love affair that they had had and to get the money that he had recently inherited, and that the evidence of the assault was actually from a night of consensual rough sex. Rafael had been counting on Nancy testifying to help solidify the case against the man in front of the jury, since with her testimony they’d be more willing to look through Stone’s money, charms and looks in order to see the monster he was.

“Alright Carmen, can you call Sgt. Benson back and let her know I’ll be there in the next 45 minutes, and to have Miss. Singer in an area where I can talk to her privately when I get there?”

“Yes, Sir, I’ll call right away.” Carmen ducked her head back out and snapped the door shut, a little harder than necessary.

Barba leaned back in his chair and winced, his day just kept getting peachier and peachier, all he could hope for was that most of the officers and detectives that worked the day shift were gone by the time he got there, after all it was almost 8:00pm.


	2. Dread

It seemed that Lady Luck was most decidedly _not_ on his side. When Rafael got to the precinct, it was to a full house, day and night shift were there, and it seemed they’d be there for a while. He silently sighed, something he’s been doing far too often lately. 

Ignoring the hostile stares, he made his way steadily across the precinct towards where he could see the main squad gathered together Carisi’s desk. His eyes made their way across each member, from Olivia leaning on the corner of the desk, eyes tired, to Amaro who stood in a defensive stance while quietly arguing with Det. Rollins, who was a little red in the face and glowering at the other detective. Detectives Munch and Tutuola were standing together, muttering to one another while keeping their eyes on the spectacle that was happening in front of them. Carisi himself seemed a little distressed, trying to calm the other two down while also trying to not take sides, his laptop and the work on it long forgotten.   
Rollins took in a deep breath before she started talking just loudly enough for Rafael to hear, “You don’t know what you’re talking about Amaro, I’m telling you Barba is-,” her comment was interrupted by Carisi who interrupted with a louder than necessary “Counselor! You’re here!”

The entire group followed Sonny’s eyes to where the ADA was standing, and their eyes widened a little, guilty expressions flashing for a second before they were covered up.

A stab of anger and hurt hit him in his ribs, they were talking about him and it must have been nothing too nice by the way that they were shifting in their stances. He ignored the pain and continued forward, having stopped when Sonny had shouted his presence, and merely raised an eyebrow, pretending that he has no idea what they had been talking about.

Seeing that the lawyer hadn’t overheard their conversation, they felt relief overtake them. Sgt. Benson stepped forward, “Barba, I’ve been trying to contact you all day,” a hint of anger was in her tone as she looked at him. 

“So I’ve been told. My phone was off, I was prepping for the Singer case’s appearance on Monday and didn’t wish to be disturbed any more than I had to be.” Olivia’s frown had gotten even more pronounced after his proclamation and Rafael bit his lip to avoid making a face at her, like a child. “Besides, today was my day off but seeing as to how I had to come in anyways I felt that you could handle yourselves without me babysitting you for at least that amount of time.”

Rafael silently cursed himself for that comment as everyone’s stances and expressions shifted into annoyance. He knew before the words had even formed that that statement wouldn’t be taken well, but he just couldn’t restrain himself from saying them. He was bitter about what seemed to be the ADA’s office’s attempt to exhaust him into quitting; his days off had been canceled three times in the past four weeks, meaning that he had been working 12+ hour days, seven days a week for the past month and a half, and his vacation time that he had scheduled for next week had been ‘postponed’ for an indefinite amount of time due to an ‘overload’ in cases. Rafael knew it was retaliation for the difficulties that officers had given the ADA office after the Terrance Reynolds case, even though he had prosecuted the case with the backing of the higher ups in the ADA. Despite this though, it seemed that the plague of ‘blue-flu’ that had followed the case rested solely on his shoulders.

“Well next time you need alone time we can find another _babysitter_ to watch us,” Rollins’ eyes cut into him, almost harsher then the abrasive sarcasm that her statement encased. The lawyer knew he had it coming however, his mama had always told him that his attitude and words would come back and get him, and they had – often times in the most painful of ways. However, each time he tried to rein his words in, it was only a matter of time before they came out and often in words much worse then originally thought. It seemed that the harder he tried to contain himself the more his callousness built up and eventually imploded on those who didn’t deserve it. He knew that he had more than once put a person to tears because of that and he struggled to find ways to express his regret to them. He had been raised to be strong and that strength had often been put to the test, the only way to survive was to be strong and unfortunately apologizes or outward emotions in general were not viewed as strong and therefore not something he was taught to do, and this had often left him struggling and scrambling in his adult life. Rafael felt as though he was downing and there was no one around with a life jacket. 

Choosing not to get more involved in that train of thought then he already was, Barba tuned back into the present. Benson seemed to be shifting between exasperation and outright fury at his and Rollins’ almost argument, Rollins was still red in the face and Amaro was too, although more from humor at Rollins’ statement then from anger at Barba, Carisi had his face in his hands (avoiding his eyes) displaying is general attitude of ‘why me?’ and Fin and Munch were in much the same position as they were when he had first entered the station. 

Nipping the forming argument in the bud, Benson talked loudly to stop anyone from commenting further, “Nancy is in the private area you requested; unfortunately, due to the full house tonight we have limited space. We weren’t able to get you into a lawyer-client privacy room, but we do have you in Conference Room 6A.”

Following the Sgt.’s indirect order to remove himself from the team’s presence Rafael picked up his suitcase and jacket that he had set on Fins desk when he first arrived and with an abrupt nod in the direction of Sgt. Benson and the others, started in the direction of the conference room. Before he rounded the corner of the hallway, he glanced back and same the team form the circle that they had been in before he had interrupted them. He heard Amaro say something, the actual words unintelligible but the gist of the comment clear when everyone started to laugh, and with Carisi’s glance in his direction it wasn’t hard for Rafael to understand that it was a joke about him, probably something unkind but true. With a feeling of dread and anxiety filling his stomach and giving him the need to hurl, Rafael forced himself to carry on towards the next obstacle of the night.


End file.
